


identity theft is not a joke

by Ford_Ye_Fiji



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Gen, Hurt Number Five | The Boy, Number Five | The Boy Has Issues, Number Five | The Boy Needs A Hug, Number Five | The Boy Whump, Number Five | The Boy is So Done, The Sparrow Academy (Umbrella Academy), not as angsty as it could’ve been
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-05
Updated: 2021-01-05
Packaged: 2021-03-15 01:14:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,557
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28555197
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ford_Ye_Fiji/pseuds/Ford_Ye_Fiji
Summary: In which the Sparrows have a shapeshifter, Five realizes that he should’ve been meaner, and Diego and Klaus make bad decisions.
Comments: 39
Kudos: 297





	identity theft is not a joke

**Author's Note:**

> This was made based on this post! ^-^ https://ford-ye-fiji.tumblr.com/post/639341700776607744/season-3-is-all-fun-and-games-until-one-of-the

“Don’t be a fool, I’m clearly Five.” 

The second Five threw out his hands, “ _I’m_ Five you assholes! Shoot him!” 

Klaus blinked, taking a step back as his eyes flicked from the clearly infuriated and unimpressed Five to another completely identical Five who was mirroring the same adorable yet furious expression, “Uhhhh this is a problem.” 

Diego snorted, hands slick with sweat, his hold tightening on the gun. His head was still bleeding from the wound that their little problem had given him before they’d managed to corner him, “Yeah, no shit idiot.”

The Fives snarled at them in unison, pointing at each other, “Kill him!” 

When they didn’t get a reaction, one of them moved and Diego reacted, finger hovering over the trigger as he brought it up and pointed the muzzle at them, “Don’t even think about it! One of you is the Sparrow here, one of you turned into me and stabbed Vanya, and _neither_ of you are leaving until we know who it is.” 

The first Five stomped his foot, “You absolutely blind fucking assholes! _I’m_ the real Five.” 

The second Five snarled at him, hatred in his eyes, “You can eat shit.” He turned to Diego and Klaus, utterly earnest, “It’s me- I _swear_ I would never hurt Vanya- I would never hurt any of you.” He took a deep breath, clearly forcing the words out of himself, “Not after- not after I worked so long to find you again.” He ran a hand through his hair, teeth gritting, “It’s _me_ , Diego. I’d rather die before I hurt any of you. Everything I’ve _ever_ done has been for all of you.” 

Diego raised an eyebrow. 

Five rolled his eyes, snorting with disgust, “Oh please you can’t be falling for this sappy shit.” 

The second Five snapped at him, “I’ll shove your head _so far_ up your ass-“ 

“I’ll stab you with one of Diego’s knives-“ 

Klaus looked to Diego, “Well _I_ know who our Five is.” 

Diego nodded, “Me too.” 

The Fives turned, incredulous, “You do?”

Diego raised his gun. Klaus snorted, “Yeah. As if the real Five would ever say something nice and full of feelings-y shit like that.” Diego laughed, “Yeah hands up, fake Five.” 

The second Five squawked, offended, “ _What?_ No," his voice cracked, " _I’m_ me you assholes-!” 

Diego fired. 

Five jerked, mouth opening and closing with surprise. He looked down, pressing a hand over the new hole in his stomach. He stumbled and then fell, gasping, the shock of it all turning the world hazy. The other Five stepped forward, over the other's body, “Thank fuck you idiots got your shit together.” 

Klaus laughed, “Don’t worry little Number Five, he couldn’t fool us.” 

Five gasped from the floor, hands shaking, “No, wait-“ 

Diego frowned, shifting uncomfortably as the parody of his little-oldest brother bled out on the floor, “Look, let’s… let’s get out of here guys. I don’t- he looks just like you. It’s creepy.” 

The other Five shrugged, unaffected, “S’not so bad. I’ve seen worse.” 

Klaus winced and looked away as the Five on the ground wheezed, choking on a _‘please’_. Klaus swallowed, “But can you believe he tried that mushy stuff? Anyone who’s been around Five would know better.” 

The Five scoffed, “The Sparrows are unbelievably moronic.” 

Diego laughed weakly, finally tearing his eyes away from the Five on the ground, “Yeah. They are, aren’t they?” 

The other Five moved toward them, hands in his pockets, “Alright, well let’s go, we’ve got to get back to the house and get the rest of them.” 

Diego nodded. 

There was a shift as Five moved to meet his siblings. The Five on the ground, snarled, "You _fuckers_ -“ he pushed himself to his feet in one swift movement, lunging or rather, falling, towards the other Five. They both shouted, Klaus started forward, Diego yelped, fumbling with his gun. 

“He’s gonna kill you, you fucking idiots-!” 

Klaus whipped around, “Diego shoot him!”

“I’ll hit the real Five, Klaus!” 

There was a glint and a knife flashed- a knife that Diego could’ve sworn that their Five hadn’t had on him before. The Five they’d shot grabbed the hand, snarling at them, “You’re both assholes! This is what I get for trying-!” He cried out as the other Five kneed him in the bullet wound, falling to the floor.

The other Five hissed as they fought, the wounded Five desperately trying to hold off the knife even as the other ground his knee deeper into the wound, “I’ll kill you, you persistent cockroach!” 

The wounded Five kicked up, jarring the other Five just enough for him to gain the upper ground. He grabbed the knife and Klaus started forward, Diego following with a cry as they both saw the tides turn. The Five they’d shot twisted the knife with an ease that spoke of years of expertise as he jammed it into the other Five’s neck. He gurgled, clawing at the handle as Five shoved him off. 

Klaus clapped his hands over his mouth, Diego dropped the gun and reached for his brother, only to jerk back as his form flickered and shifted, turning into the blond boy they knew as Alexander, the Sparrow who could shapeshift. 

Alexander faltered, clawing weakly at his enemy before Five pushed him off. He collapsed, the light dimming in his eyes as the blood pooled, coating his shirt, before finally he grew still and silent. Five, the real Five, pressed a hand to his stained sweater and the wound hidden underneath, fingers slick with his own blood, forehead beading with sweat. 

Klaus broke the silence, “Oh _shit_ , we fucking shot _Five!_ ”

Five opened his eyes and glared at them, “You _assholes_.”

Diego knelt by him, wincing as he reached forward and then stopped, eyeing his brother whose breath rattled harshly in his throat. Diego placed his hands gently over his brother’s blood slick fingers, “Klaus, you need to go find someone, quickly. We’ve got to get him to a hospital.” 

Klaus nodded, scrambling to his feet and darting off into the dark hallways beyond. Diego spoke quietly, “Just hang in there, Five, we’ll get help soon.” 

Five snorted, closing his eyes again, “Yeah, a lot of fucking help you two were.” 

Diego winced, “Five man, I’m… Shit, I’m sorry.” 

The only sign that Five had heard him was the whitening of his lips as they thinned into a flat and very unimpressed line. 

Diego began again, “I didn’t… you said… did you mean it?” 

Five’s lips curled upwards, “I don’t want to talk about it right now.” 

“Five-“ 

His words were firm, thick with irritation and tight with pain- and yeah, okay that was making Diego feel really guilty as his brother spoke, “ _No_ . I don’t want to get _shot_ again.” 

“Five, that’s not fucking fair-“ 

Five snapped, eyes opening as he glared at his brother, “It’s perfectly fucking fair!” 

Diego grit his teeth and the blood just wouldn’t stop. Five’s chest rose and fell, and Diego could feel the weight of his guilt pulling at him. After a moment, he blurted, despaired to distract himself from the possibility that he had almost killed his own brother, “You really… you really did everything for us?” 

“Oh for the love of-“ Diego startled as bloodstained fingers grabbed at his wrist and both of them hissed as Five’s wound was jarred. Then he was yanked down to face his brother's dark eyes, sweat slick hair clinging to his forehead, lips curled, teeth sharp, his voice urgent and feral and _angry_ , “You complete and utter asshole,” and Five’s voice broke there, “How the fuck could you ask me that? _Everything_ I’ve done has been for your dumb asses. For _forty-five_ _years_ of my fucking life I couldn’t think of anything except getting back to you. Except saving all of you.” 

Diego blinked, mouth dry, tongue thick and heavy in his mouth as Five spat, something desperate in his brother's eyes, “I’ve killed so many people for you. So that you would survive the apocalypse- so that you all could live your stupid lives alive and safe with your stupid petty arguments about who was dad’s favorite and whether it’s morally right to rumor people and whatever other righteous shit that I’ve never been able to afford to worry about! So don’t tell me that it’s not fair. _Nothing_ in my life has _ever_ been _fair_.” 

Diego opened and closed his mouth, comprehension still absent in his eyes. Five’s chest heaved, suddenly tired, “You’re such a dumbass, Diego. _Yes_ , I _meant_ it.” 

“Oh.”

Five let his head hit the floor again as he rolled his eyes, closing them against the light. His chest hurt, he felt himself growing weaker with every passing second, and he couldn’t bear to look into his brother’s face and see whatever twisted look that he had put there. 

There was a hand on his and then his brother’s quiet voice, “I’m… I’m sorry. I didn’t know or- or think…” His next words were so quiet that Five almost didn’t hear them, his brother’s fingers tightening around his, “I love you too little bro.” 

Five swallowed thickly, pretending that the tears he felt welling up were merely because of the pain. Five wordlessly squeezed back, their fingers intertwined and slick with his blood. 

_Love you too._

**Author's Note:**

> My tumblr is here: https://ford-ye-fiji.tumblr.com/


End file.
